Don't let me into this year with an empty heart....

An article by psychologist John Masterson came to my attention thanks to a fellow Josh Ritter message-boarder. It's about one of Josh's songs, Empty Hearts, with it's simple but heartfelt refrain,

"Don't let me into this year with an empty heart"

"... and each time I heard it repeated it sunk in more. Here, I thought, is a New Year's Resolution worthy of the name.....It is about an attitude to everything that will affect everything. It is about taking on life fully and not letting it get you down."

My sentiments exactly. Quietly, this song has been a source of inspiration for me in the past 12 months or so. For me, it has meant embracing life more fully, being open, learning to believe in myself and not being afraid.

I only really fully understood how important this song had become to me, and how much I was beginning to change, one April evening at the Brudenell Social Club in Leeds. There I was, happily gazing at my favourite singer and his band and singing along, when I was beckoned up onto the low stage to join in with the last few choruses of, what else but Empty Hearts. It was only after the song finished and Josh enveloped me in a hug and I climbed down from the stage as gracefully as possible that it struck me what I had just done....stood up in front of a room full of people and performed. I even got compliments from people in the crowd afterwards! Now if you had told me beforehand that I was going to do this I would have been shaking with terror, a rabbit frozen in the headlights. But on the spur of the moment, when I didn't have time to think, I did it, and it was fun!

Listening to the song again, and remembering that night, I realised that fear itself is always my biggest obstacle in achieving something. It's not an easy thing to get rid of but I've promised myself not only not to let fear get the better of me ever again, but to let that feeling of freedom, of hope, of boundless joy, out at every opportunity. To embrace the endless possibilities, live life with passion and with wonder - with a full heart.

So thank you Josh, for the song, the sentiment and for some of my favourite memories of 2008.
Josh in the dark at Vicar St, Dublin, Dec 2008
Josh Ritter Band & Orchestra, Vicar St, Dublin, Dec 2008
Final Encore, 'Empty Hearts', Vicar St, Dublin, Dec 2008

To Dublin I'd roam

On a normal day around 3 months ago, I was made to be very excited. Because I received an email announcing this:

I'm none too sure where those 3 months have disappeared to, but suddenly tomorrow is the first of these not to be missed evenings and I have two days off work. Am now starting to get very excited!

Things to do:-

Online check in - DONE

Decide what to take, pack it, get euros, charge camera and sort out a flash cover so I don't blind anyone, alter hem of dress (who wears these bubble hem things??!) - erm haven't done any of that yet.

Also feel a little apprehensive of having a day and a night in Dublin by myself until Hugh joins me for gig no. 2 on Friday. I'll be perfectly happy wandering around the city during the day. But the weird bit is hanging around waiting for the music to begin and having to make a nuisance of yourself chatting to people. But it's not the first time I've done it, and the last time there was much beer and fun and even a marriage proposal (although I don't think it was a serious one so I'm not holding him to it). I suppose it's a little different this time around as I'm happy and I'll miss not having my lovely fella Hugh with me. Last time and last fella there was relief to have some time alone. Anyway that's another story.

Roll On tomorrow!

On karma and other rambling thoughts

Over the past few weeks, the ideas of Karma and Cosmic Ordering have popped up a few times. I commented to a colleague that he always seems to be doing the washing up for his office, he replied that he doesn't mind, he'd got to thinking that he'd been pretty lucky in his life and that he felt doing good turns was 'giving something back' and might help keep good things happening to him "Not that I want to come over all My Name is Earl, but you know, I do think there's something in it".

Actually I'd been thinking that same morning how it had been a Pretty Good Year. Nothing too remarkable, but steady, and most importantly nothing devastating. We have had our ups and downs like everyone but I feel like on the whole this year has been one of good times. Maybe there's nothing in it, or maybe we now deserve a turn at happiness & peace.

The same evening on my way home I stopped to help a couple, one of whom was in a wheelchair, manoeuvre the said chair out a shop doorway where it was wedged. They were profuse with their thanks which made me feel rather embarrased. But it also made me realise that maybe these days not many people would actually stop to offer help. Which is really sad. I hope when it comes to a time that I need a little help, someone will reach out a hand. So I'll keep doing my bit for 'karma' until then, just in case.

On another, sort of related topic....... Last night I got into a conversation about 'cosmic ordering' and 'visualisation' with my Pilates teacher. We both have similar outlooks; that the practical principles of these are quite interesting and thought provoking; because desire & belief by themselves aren't really enough to get you everything you want; but a positive outlook, a practical approach and sharing your dreams/desires* with as many people as possible can all get you travelling in the right direction. Also the importance of 'having a go'; sometimes this can involve doing something that really scares you. But it's usually not that bad. I've done a few things that have scared me a lot over the past year or so. They may not seem like much to some people, but to me they were Big and Terrifying. But then I was doing it, and hey it was fun! Still a bit scary, if I thought about it too much, but definately also fun. (One thing was only scary afterwards, when I realised what I'd just done! I have my favourite singer-songwriter to thank for that one). But the sense of achievement, and the confidence boost was so rewarding. Visualisation to me is about remembering that I've achieved those things and recapturing the self-belief and exhilaration, and channelling that into my next challenge.

Anyway, my teacher shared an example of how she's wanted to learn the guitar for ages - suddenly a friend gave her a 'teach yourself' book and another lent her a guitar, so now she's actually having a go. I suppose that was a bit like me with painting, I'd mentioned wanting to try it again to a few people (the last time I'd done it being Art at School some 13 or so years previously), then my friend Lynsey said she wanted some artwork for her flat.... so I took myself off to Fred Aldous, got me some 2-for-1 canvases, some acrylics & brushes and just had a go. And whilst I'm never going to be the next Picasso or Hopper (I wish!) Lynsey was thrilled with them, has moved from a flat to a house but still has my pictures on the wall, and I have a notebook of project ideas that I'm starting to work my way through. At the moment I'm attempting 2 paintings for our living room wall, I've started craving an easel or at least a 'workspace' where I can play around, make a mess but then leave it there for the next day. Also started to investigate the idea of taking some classes. The only thing I can't quite work out is where to find the extra time to indulge a bit more regularly!

At this time of year I don't like to think too much about change or the future. Next year will bring excitement, new places to travel, a transition from the 20's to the 30's, a new job, and who knows what else. But right now, for me, is not the time to think about it. Winter is about rest, appreciating what you have, and who you have to share it with. Change is for Autumn and Spring. When the frost subsides, the birds return, and the buds begin to swell, then it will be time to consider, to plan and to let new hopes and ideas sprout up, and hopefully, blossom and bloom.

Bagpuss gave a big yawn, and settled down to sleep

Oliver Postgate, creator of Bagpuss, The Clangers, Ivor the Engine and many more, has died. I think that Bagpuss was one of the first things that really awakened my imagination. The echoes of the wonderful stories and characters, all told in his warm, mellifluous voice, still ring through my memories.

A few years ago I read Mr Postgate's autobiography, 'Seeing Things'. He had an extraordinary life - playing games with Bertrand Russell as a child, becoming a concientious objector in WWII, later an anti-nuclear campaigner, and of course the genius of 'Smallfilms'. His enthusiasm, warmth, humour and gift for storytelling shine throughout the book. I think I'll go away and reread it, once I can wrestle it back from my mum.

Goodbye, saggy old cloth cat, we'll miss you.